Since the start of quarantine, I’ve been mostly staying indoors at home other than the occasional times where I go out to buy groceries.

I always thought of myself to be more on the introverted side of things hence I assumed quarantine would not be a big deal to me.

Well, I was kinda wrong. Hmm…for the most part, I enjoy being by myself but there’s one thing that I sort of miss, which is that feeling of being among crowds.

Before the pandemic, I would go out of my way to do things that let me just exist among crowds of people, either by being a background in someone’s view or a silent observer. I love walking among the crowded streets of the city, silently drinking coffee in a fully packed coffee shop, or simply witnessing the sunset with flocks of tourists at the pier.

So I wonder really. Personally, I don’t like interacting with strangers but somehow I love the feeling of being in a crowd. So why? Why do I love being alone in a crowd–never interacting, just observing and letting time flow away?

I love looking at people’s facial expressions, their body language and especially how they interact with the people they are with. Is that her sister? Or is that her significant other? Can I tell just by her hand gestures or how their eyes stare into each other? Is that teary eye because of a touching YouTube or a flashback from a painful breakup? Is that frown because he regretted spending $5 on coffee or is he stressed out about a job interview tomorrow?

That’s when I realized: I love being in a crowd because it allows me to feel small and insignificant. Here I am, blessed, being able-bodied, witnessing the sunset, breathing that semi-fresh air with little worries observing others. I look at these people around me and wonder the lives they are living behind those half-smiles and wary eyes. I wonder about the challenges they are facing and in that instance, I know, that my troubles are never as big as theirs.

I love walking in the city with huge skyscrapers that cast shadows covering the nearby park. I love the feeling of being tiny amidst the creations of mankind, knowing that one day all these will perish like me too. I love seeing charming old buildings in downtown knowing that there exists a history long before I ever existed and will continue to go on in their legacy long after I’m gone.

I love taking the train around the city, to be among the actual heart and soul of the metropolis–it’s workers: the cashiers, the engineers, the waiters, the teachers, the construction workers, the financial analysts, the moms, the startup founders, the undocumented laborers, the taco sellers and everyone in between. Sometimes I view public transportation as the great equalizer; where you can see all kinds of people on board and that everyone is here submitting their fate at the hands of the driver.

I have many thoughts and this is one of them. I’m happy I penned this down.